A Contest of Spears
by Enigmatic Warrior
Summary: So who's spear really is stronger, Zhao Yun's or Ma Chao's? Warning: lots of innuendo.


I wrote this fic because I was fed up with hearing Zhao Yun shout "Another has fallen to my spear!" every time he killed an officer, and Ma Chao ranting about his "spear of justice" all the time. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Dynasty Warriors or their cheap, money grabbing knockoffs, cause if I did, I wouldn't be writing this fic.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It had been a long day of hard fighting, and the "grand" Shu army began to set up camp. There had been many heroes and heroines on the battlefield that day, but two warriors had distinguished themselves with their natural fighting ability and audacious attacks; Zhao Yun, who defeated many enemy officers with his spear, and Ma Chao, who killed hundreds of normal troopers with his "spear of justice".

Naturally, the two began to argue about whose spear was grander.

**Late that night, in Zhao Yun's tent…**

"My spear is longer than yours!" Zhao Yun yells, gesturing at the spear lying at his side.

"Well, mine is thicker than yours!" Ma Chao retorts, wrapping his hand around his own weapon of choice.

"Mine is easier to handle!" says Zhao Yun, throwing his into the air and catching it.

"My spear is pointier!" Ma Chao replied, poking a discarded piece of apple and taking a bite out of it.

"Mine can thrust further!" Zhao Yun says, smashing a pot behind Ma Chao with a fierce jab.

"My spear is more powerful!" Ma Chao shouts, destroying a bottle of wine, spilling its contents everywhere.

"Well, my spear…"

**In the Shu camp…**

"Oh and that fan of his," Yue Ying dreamily says, her eyes staring off into the night sky.

"Well, Guan Ping uses a huge sword…thing. That's obviously more manly than some wimpy fan," Xing Cai replies.

"My dear, do you know what the word 'overcompensating' means?"

"Yes! I think. Doesn't it mean-" she begins but is cut off by…

"My spear is so grand, it can impale two men with one thrust!" a voice shouts. The two women look around to see a large crowd gathering around Zhao Yun's tent, the source of the boast.

"What's going on in there?" asks Xing Cai, gesturing towards the tent.

"We don't know, but Zhao Yun and Ma Chao have been in there for _hours," _Jiang Wei replied in an excited whisper, putting his ear back on the tent wall.

"My spear can impale people even while I'm sitting on a horse!" another voice yells from within the tent.

"I don't have a spear…" a voice says dejectedly from the shadows. The crowd turns around to see Guan Ping sitting off to the side, head in his hands.

"See, overcompensating," Yue Ying whispers into Xing Cai's ear. The girl just stands there and nods her head dumbly.

"My spear is so powerful, its point kills a man anytime he even touches it!"

"How long do you think they'll keep this up?" a man asks, walking up behind Jiang Wei.

"Who knows, maybe for an hour or- Oh my God, Lord Liu Bei!" Wei shouts, jumping up and giving a hasty salute.

"Shh, I can't hear what they're saying," the commander admonishes, placing his ear on the tent. Jiang Wei just shakes his head in disbelief and goes back to eavesdropping.

"My spear is used not only for men, but also for the sake of innocent women and children!"

Yue Ying sniffs in disgust and pulls Xing Cai a side. "If someone doesn't do anything, the Wei army will be on us like Zhen Ji on Cao Pi; hard and fast!"

"I know, we have to do something," Xing Cai replies. They sit there, pondering their predicament. "I have an idea!"

**Back in the tent…**

"Well, my spear is called 'Fierce Dragon'!" Zhao Yun wearily says, sitting back on his cushions.

Ma Chao heaves a deep sigh, "Mine-" he begins, but is cut off by the arrival of Xing Cai and Yue Ying, weapons in hand and dressed in full battle gear.

**Outside….**

"You think they'll get out in one piece?" Jiang Wei whispers to Liu Bei.

"Not fully clothed…hopefully," Liu Bei says, his mind obviously elsewhere. The young strategist shudders and starts scooting away from the lecherous man.

But then the one thing that no one expected happens.

"My spear has two prongs!" a female voice shouts.

"And mine is curved!" shouts another.

Guan Ping stands there, shocked by what he just heard. "FATHER!" he yells, and runs off to his tent.

Liu Bei faints.

Jiang Wei, having figured out what was really going on, begins laughing hysterically as Xing Cai and Yue Ying walk out of the tent, smiling and looking very proud of themselves.


End file.
